Category Archives: #sex+

3 Steps to being SEX+

Whether you’re commited, casual, or spontanious it is a fact that humans want – nay, need, sex. It should be as natural as breathing, or eating, or any other basic bodily requirements, but in today’s society it is still taboo. In this “evolved” day and age, we still demonize sex, and attach all sorts of meaning, rules, and expecations to something which is, essentially, mashing body parts together till stuff comes out.

I can’t go into the long, sordid history that sex had had in human society, nor can I presume to know why it is still the monster today that it was a hundred years ago, but I can tell you this: someone, somewhere is doing it. And I applaude them. The ideal encounter is one where each person is a comfortable, consenting adult; Preferably two that have the good sense to protect themselves (against stds, pregnancy, and honey badgers), and who each work towards the gratification of the other. In reality though, it is often as unfullfilling as a Paulie Shore movie, and leaves you feeling just as dirty.

If we are to be sexualized, and dehumanized, and left wondering what we did wrong while our partner basks in an after-orgasm glow, then at least let’s make it fun! Let’s take back our sexuality, not in a “Burning bras” kind of feminist way, but in a gradual call-to-arms for the female gender. We can’t single-handedly break the glass ceiling for women, but at least we can have our own personal revolutions, every day.

Tips to being sex positive in your everyday life. Photo by E.M. Photography, Model: Emm
Tips to being sex positive in your everyday life.
Photo by E.M. Photography, Model: Emm

We’ve already talked about how SEX- language can impact you, well here are 3 steps you can take to being more SEX+ in y0ur life:

Step 1: Open up the lines of communication.
Talk to your partner, your girlfriends, your mom or even your dad. Talk to whoever your most comfortable with, and talk candidly. Start by saying “hey, did you hear about this awesome thing called Fucking?” (Just kidding. Please don’t say that). It doesn’t matter what you start with, just start with something. Instead of letting that elephant hang out in the room, bring it into the light, and give it an awkward mouth kiss. If you’re happy you got laid last night, say it! if you wish your lover had done something different, tell him! If you have been having sex for years and haven’t had an orgasm with anyone but yourself, by GOD WOMAN you must rectify that situation, post haste! I like to make mildly shocking observations in crowded places, as if it was normal to comment on the nipple in the painting in the art gallery. Everyone’s thinking it, so let’s start saying it.

Step 2: Want more.
Want more fun, more passion, more orgasms. Want more stability, or spontenaiety, or more partners. Whatever you want, so long as it’s safe, is a good thing, and you should have what you want.  I was very repressed for much adult life,  and I used to struggle with my sexuality and lack of entitlement in the bedroom. Slowly, through the encouragement of a select few of my vivavious friends I have learned that it’s okay to demand, and expect more out of sex. Even if that just means having the courage to refuse bjs and handies if the man isn’t planning on putting his face in my lovely lady parts. Baby steps, ladies.

Step 3:  Do more. (Good.)
We are our own worst enemies, and our criticism of ourselves and others only hinders us as humans, and as sexual beings. The next time you find yourself critiquing another persons flaws just take a step back, and check yourself before you wreck yourself. Women should stop being catty, because the rest of the world is already hard enough on us. So, please, for the sake of your sisters, take a minute out of every day and appreciate something new about yourself, and stop at least one stranger to tell them something nice. Maybe if we put more good into the world it will one day start to cancel out the negativity.

This goes for men too: you have no right to terrorize women the way you do. Stop being jerks, just because it’s socially acceptable doesn’t make it right. I can’t fathom why men feel the need to call down a woman, as the guy in the elevator in Vegas felt the need to make a double take at me, and say “whoa, hideous!”,  where his friend replied “what, that?(me) That isn’t half bad.” To that I say a hearty “Fuck you”. And I really  wish I’d said it at the time. You rarely see women attacking men like that, and while it’s fair to say that they have to endure hardships as well, it is in no way comparable to the ones girls face on a daily basis.
If you see a pretty lady just appreciate her, and the effort and perhaps genetics that went into making her as beautiful as she is. And if you feel the need to tell her how much you want to bury your groin in her backside then at least do it with some tact.

#SEX-

Word’s can wound, hurt, and heal. They have an incredible ability to express who we are on the inside that no other form of communication can compare with, but they also hold the power to traumatize and damage us every single day, and often the most hurt we receive is so subtle and subversive that we don’t even notice.

Sex- versus SEX+ language impacts our everyday life.  Image by E.M. Photography. Model: Christie.
SEX- versus SEX+ language impacts our everyday life.
Image by E.M. Photography. Model: Christie.

Ever been told “don’t hate the player, hate the game”? That saying is a prime example of how normalized sex negative words have become. The word “player” makes light of a man who sexualizes, objectifies and abuses women, and by saying “the game” it has turned something offensive (creeping for women to manipulate, use, and then leave) into something bordering on cute.

If someone has ever claimed they’ve been put in “the friend zone”, they’re taking what was commonly known as “unrequited love”and turning it from the fault of the aggressors into the fault of the victim. The man is no longer to blame for his feelings for a woman who has no interest in him, it’s that frigid harpies fault that he’s been relegated to a sexless nice-guy-only zone.

Popular culture is rife with songs, movies, and tv shows that normalize the words “slut”, “bitch”, “skank” or “twat”: all words that refer to the same idea of a woman. The idea that she is no longer a whole person, or a being worthy of respect and understanding; she has been reduced to a depthless creature of promiscuity and unwarranted hostility.

We, as a society must first recognize our rampant use of sex negative words, and work towards using sex positive ones instead. It isn’t always easy, as sometimes bad words are more fun to say and these days they’re so common that we don’t even realize we’re using them anymore. But words hurt, and just like the unrealistic images in magazines are damaging our impressionable youth so are negative stereotyping words that serve no purpose except to dehumanize the recipient.

Next time you blindly call someone something negative I recommend you take a step back and reasses the words you’re using, and make a concious effort to use sex positive words instead. Because someone out there is calling you a cunt behind your back, and it sure as hell hurts, and it sure as hell matters that they think they have the right to do that. No one should ever feel that they have more rights than anyone else to call others down, and judge them unfairly. By using sex positive words we can take a step in the direction of change, and we can take back our bodies, our sexualities, and ourselves. Own your vagina’s, ladies, because someone out there would like to call them “dick parking spots”, and they have no right to do so.

Check out my list of ways to work towards being SEX+ in your everyday life!

Sexuality and language aren’t the only ones that are currently at odds, we are in a war against words in non-sexy ways too! Find our list of slang that needs to be shredded asap HERE.